My Biggest Fear

When I joined the Peace Corps I had many different expectations. I thought I would be working with the poorest of the poor, living in a hut made of mud and sticks, no running water, and let’s just say I never thought I would have the luxury of a flushing toilet. Emotionally, I thought that I would be dealing with the feelings of inadequacy of myself and contributions. I feared that I would never be able to give the people enough or what they deserved. I was prepared as I could be for everything above. I was ready to rough it. I was ready to be torn apart but only to build myself back up to another person. I was going to come out of this experience a new person.

So I am going to be honest, and I warn you it does not shine the best light on me. I think you will find my current state interesting and a different perspective; one I definitely never saw coming.

Impassion: My best semester in college was my internship. I was so passionate about teaching and my students. I dedicated all my time. I love it. Even when I did my practicum teaching in my training village I felt like I was on fire, I love every minute of it. When I first arrived at my site I was so excited to teach and bring new ideas and methods to the school. I was so excited to see the students each day. Since term two rolled around I feel like I just go through the motions every day. I still put in as much work as I did before however I think you could notice the decrease in my enthusiasm. I don’t want to do anything else that may be different because the next thing will be “what else can you do”.

Unappreciated: Now this culture is amazing and I receive more respect than imaginable. I don’t blame the people on why I feel this way. It’s part of their culture and a difference between ours and theirs. I guess this is part of a fear I had before coming here; the whole I would never be able to give the people enough. I feel that way but only because I am always asked for more. I would be okay if I was asked for help on lesson plans and teaching methods. But at times it’s “more things” that are wanted and are not realistic in the situation. I am finding out a lot of what I am capable of, but my main goal is to get the teachers to realize what they are capable of. I want people to want to do instead of me just doing.

            Unhappiness: This is something I have been working on and almost overcome. I knew I would be struggling and unhappy at times, but again not for the reasons I thought. Mainly I am unhappy for feeling the two things above. I hate that I feel that way. I also think that it stems from giving up yourself when you come here. When you arrive the village you want to be the perfect Peace Corps. You give up lots of parts of yourself to be culturally appropriate. There is a fine line though, can’t forget who you are.

Burnt Out: This is a correlation of all the words above. It’s just discouraging considering I am only 9 months in.

            As a volunteer we have specific goals. No volunteer is in their site to find a way to get a bunch of money. Ultimately we work with counterparts and an organization and teach those ways to receive aid, set realistic goals, and run a successful and effective program. We need the groups of people we work with to be sustainable on their own once we leave. It’s a tough battle especially when the people you work with may have different ideas, goals and priorities. For example; I think desks for student might be more important than VIP toilets.

What feeling does almost every Peace Corps dread the most?

            Wanting to go home

How do I cope with this?

Focus. I went back and rewrote my goals for my term here. You have to take the pressure of yourself. Big or small; a change is a change. I am finding my way back to a balance. I do things that I need for me. This experience is such a selfless sacrifice but you are useless if you’re unhappy. Remember the past and planning for the future can be exhausting. You can’t compare this time to what was and what will be. You will only find yourself in a situation of missing and wanting.

Even though I have been feeling like I want to go home I know it’s not a option for me. Everything I have been going through is all part of the journey. I knew that I was signing up for a two year commitment. But I get it; I see the reason why so many people go back.

So here it is… my biggest fear. When all is said and done…

Did I give up my happiness to stay instead of giving up my pride to go home?

Peace and Love

No worries mate...too easy

Australia

            Sitting on the flight to Sydney

“Enjoy your holiday?” – some random Australian asks me

“I am actually going on my holiday now” Followed by the explanation of what I was doing in Samoa.

Its always amusing when someone asks you how long you have been in Samoa or planning to stay. But this post is not about Samoa!

Australia was amazing. Landing in Sydney I had butterflies in my stomach and tears rolling down my cheeks. It reminded me so much of America. I walked slowly towards the baggage claim looking at the different stores and restaurants. Traveling on a Peace Corps budget helped me to restrain myself from going on a shopping spree…just in the airport I know!

Once I had all my belongings I walked outside, my body got confused “where in the world have you taken me”. The cold dry air, was pretty much the opposite of Samoa. My skin immediately dried up and my toes were looking forward to closed shoes. On my way to the hotel I just starred out the window in shock, feeling like a child who just arrived to America for the first time.

It was so good to see Colleen and Summer, they greeted me with cupcakes. Our agenda started as soon as I put my bags in the room. First was a bike tour around Sydney, which was an amazing way to see the city. We looked around some  different stores and had a lovely dinner. The next day we breakfast with a Koala and a walk around the local Zoo. Then we headed up to the Blue Mountains, beautiful scenery and quaint little towns. We saved the best for last, the Sydney Bridge Climb. We were able to have the most amazing views of the city, and cheers to Colleen who conquered her fear of heights!!! And to all you seniors who are reading this, we had a women celebrating her 80^th birthday who joined us the bridge climb! A more extreme but awesome alternative to watching soaps all day wouldn’t you say?

The next part of our trip was The Outback (and for all those who are wondering, no I did not go to a outback steakhouse while I was there), a definite change of scenery from Sydney. It was a scenic place. Cold mornings and nights and breezy afternoons. We saw Uluru (large red rock) and learned about native people whom they do not call Aboriginals, but I can’t find my paper to tell you what they do call them (sorry). We did a Camel ride into the sunset and woke up early one morning to see an Outback sunrise, we may or may not have been freezing our butts off to enjoy it. We had a afternoon BBq where we tried Kangaroo, it tastes like steak, and learned about the stars.

Our final destination was Cairnes (pronounced Cans as we were told). I felt like I was back in Samoa a little bit. The jungle and the coast was similar. The people, food and accommodations were slightly different. We took a train ride through the jungle and the a sky rail over the mountains. We went to a cultural center where we learned more about the Aboriginal people and saw some of their native dances and music. We were also given the opportunity to throw a boomerang. The last day in Cairnes we went to the Great Barrier Reef. One of my favorite parts of the trip! It was so colorful and the picture I have below do not do the reef justice but you can get a idea.

Okay now, a major event happened on the boat ride out to the reef and I must talk about it. You know when you’re young and your parents won’t let you do certain things and they say “one day you will understand” or “you just wait until you have kids…”. Whatever the issue might be, you don’t believe them and think their horrible parents for not letting you do what you want. Listen to your parents kids they know all.

So there was a group of maybe 40 or 50 girls on the boat. If they were blondes, it was an awful dye job showing black roots, and more like white not blonde. When I looked at their makeup I thought maybe they might be going to prom. And then there were the clothes, the “booty” shorts if you will. Most of these girls were attractive, but then they walk past you and you see them from behind, and see their actual behind hanging out of the shorts. Come to find out that these girls were from a beauty school. Go figure….

Thank you Mom and Dad for not letting me wear makeup and even when I was allowed, keeping it limited. Thank you for not letting me dye my hair. Thank you for not letting me walk out of the house looking like as Grammy would put it, a coodavee.

And last but not least….I finally understand why my Dad got so frustrated when we were on trips and we would be on our cell phones constantly or wanting to watch TV or play video games.  All these teenagers were on this boat like the view was something they see every day. Their eyes, glued to their Iphones the entire time.

So parents don’t worry your time will come when you can turn to your child and say, I told you so.

All and all it was an amazing trip, can’t wait to go back some day.

Enjoy the pictures…

Peace and Love

Can you find the Koala?

This guy was so hungry he wanted to eat my camera

Three Sisters...in the Blue Ridge Mountains

Blue Ridge

Sydney Bridge at night

Me and my Camel riding in the Outback

Uluru at Sunset

Sunset in the Outback

Uluru

Train ride in Cairns

Cultural Center

Me Summer and Colleen

Great Barrier Reef

Peace Love Australia <3

The Honeymoon is over...

June 11 2011

            I was riding on the bus the other day, one of my favorite things to do (if it’s not crowded), and I was looking out the window. Sometimes, well most of the time now, I forget how beautiful this place is. It’s not until I am alone on the bus looking out the window that I realize where I am and how gorgeous it is. The coast is one of the things that can make me feel better on a bad day, but it can also make me feel claustrophobic realizing how small the piece of land I am on is compared to the ocean surrounding it. There is nowhere to go…

            The honeymoon in paradise is over. There is a reason why Peace Corps are here. We are lucky not to have the threat of infectious diseases or for the most part criminal activity. The fear for me is the effect I have on the school, students and teachers and how well they will be able to sustain on their own. I know I am making in impact now, but part of our project is to leave the schools with the tools to maintain on their own once I leave. They are more than grateful for having me here. I don’t see the enthusiasm or motivation I would lik,e to learn new methods of teaching. I am not expecting to see results after only one term of teaching, but I can’t help the frustration. The last three weeks of school are super slow. Some teachers are giving exams; some are planning them so the students are doing nothing. It feels like there is meetings everyday which causes school to end early. I gave my English exam to my year 7 class. No one got a zero, which is an improvement, but I was a little disappointed in myself because it wasn’t the results I thought. I confided with another teacher, here response “I’m hungry”. Many of my conversations during a school day consist of the following….

Fia ai?= want to eat?

Fia moi?= want to sleep?

You go to salelologa?

The constant feeling of fia moi is because they are always “aiing”(eating, aiing is not a real word). I would also like to challenge the guy who does Man vs. Food to come here and have one of our lunches. Ten pounds later I am done being culturally sensitive with the food aspect of this culture. My host parents worry about me now because of my new portion size at dinner and my teachers are ecstatic because it means more food for them. Those of you who had this picture of all these fresh fruits and vegetables every day, well I wish. I guess it comes down to priorities in a sense. Many teachers feel that their daily mood over rides the students education. Lots of work to do, but it’s a good thing that we are here. There is so much potential for education, the schools just need a kick in the ass to wake them up.

Looking forward to the three week break. My group has a conference for the first half, then the second half its off to Australia with Colleen and Summer!

Peace and Love

Pa and Sarai on her 6th Birthday

Ma and Sarai

The Family all together

Flat Rosemary

Kids during Pese (singing) practice

typical breakfast for one....

Soccer Champs!

What is that Smell?

I was cleaning out my refrigerator one day and it was awful because the smell that was coming from it was horrid. I wasn’t sure what it could have been. All that was in there was bottle water, chocolate and some apples and oranges. I bleached the crap out of the inside and scrubbed away all the gunk. When I finished I stood up to wipe the sweat of my face with my shirt sleeve and then realized the smell was not from the refrigerator….

            It is a very special smell. It’s like a mixture of sour milk, sweat, and mildew. It’s the peace corps Samoa fragrance. We all have it, and we are all used to it. I have yet to find a cure for the odor. I wash my clothes with quality soap and I am even using softener. Never fails though, after about two hours in a t-shirt it starts to creep up on ya. Then it finally takes over and the worst part is, you become immune to it and the smell become tolerable. Changing would be ridiculous because the smell would undoubtedly find its way to the new shirt as well.

            Moral of the story is thank your washing machines, air conditioning and febreez…show them a little love people.

Until next time….still smelly in Samoa

Peace and Love

Tutti-Ta...

My Year 8 Divas

Dont Mess with Da Best

JV boys getting ready

Samauga Soccer moms are the best

ENELIKO....Star Varsity player...if you couldnt tell just by looking at him

Uma A'oga

Coco Samoa anyone?

6 Months

            I remember the night before I left. I was still packing, which isn’t unusual for a procrastinator like me. Packing for two years seems pretty unrealistic. It was like things kept popping into my head that I thought I had to have. I look back now and realize how different I would have done the whole packing thing. That last day was painful, saying goodbye to my family and best friends, thinking that for most of them it will be two years before I see them again. That last night I sat there just thinking I can’t believe it’s actually here. It was my parents, Kenny, and Steph who took me to the airport the next morning. We had Starbucks coffee and sat there making sure I didn’t forget anything and pretending like this wasn’t one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. We didn’t leave time for a big dramatic goodbye. When it was time everyone slipped on their sunglasses and we gave our hugs and I gave my words of love and they gave their words of encouragement. No turning back…

            6 months….that was all 6 months ago. It feels like a lifetime ago. If I could sum up these past six months in one word it would be”rollercoaster”. Emotionally, mentally, physically this whole experience has been a rollercoaster ride. You are away from the people that mean most to you, slowly you feel disconnected from your life at home and all while you’re in a foreign country with complete strangers. Group 83 quickly built a relationship and it grows stronger every day, and now I couldn’t imagine this experience or my life without them. These people are my support system. There are just some things that we aren’t able to write home about and are lucky to have one another for that. Each one of us is so unique and different, all having different stories and different reasons for being here.

            I look back over the past six months and remember my reasons for doing this. I wanted to challenge myself. I wanted to not just travel but live in a different country. I wanted to do something completely on my own and climb the ladder of independence. Well check, check, and check.

So what new things have I learned or done in the past six months?

1.      Made 20 amazing new relationships

2.      How to kill a chicken and pluck it

3.      Some of the Samoan language

4.      How to ride a bus when its doubled its maximum capacity

5.      I have mastered the art of eating with your hands

6.      Eating a fish still accompanied by its scales, head, and bones

7.      I am a certified scuba diver

8.      I have learned that food can sit out way longer than 4 hours…J…I still haven’t gotten any stomach problems…knock on wood

9.      Living on your own gives you way too much time to think and ponder your past and your future and that very moment

10.  Everything tastes better with coconut cream

11.  Other volunteers will refute this but palagi chicken is a million times better than Moa Samoa…

12.  How to make coconut cream

13.  Roosters do not just make noise when the sunrises. Actually I have yet to find a time when there not making noise

14.  Punctuality is extremely overrated

15.  Air conditioning is extremely underrated

16.  How to successfully do laundry in a bucket

17.  Reading has become a favorite hobby

18.  Cold showers have become tolerable

19.  Not lost my camera

20.  This is new as of today…have my first infected wound! Don’t worry its no big deal…

Fun and silly as those things may seem above, there are a lot more, but those are the ones off the top of my head. This experience has made me confront different emotions and problems that I haven’t experienced. I do think I am a different person from the girl that left home on October 4. There is a lot more to learn, a lot more to do, a lot more to see, and a lot more to become. Looking forward to the next year and a half.

Peace and Love