My Biggest Fear

When I joined the Peace Corps I had many different expectations. I thought I would be working with the poorest of the poor, living in a hut made of mud and sticks, no running water, and let’s just say I never thought I would have the luxury of a flushing toilet. Emotionally, I thought that I would be dealing with the feelings of inadequacy of myself and contributions. I feared that I would never be able to give the people enough or what they deserved. I was prepared as I could be for everything above. I was ready to rough it. I was ready to be torn apart but only to build myself back up to another person. I was going to come out of this experience a new person.

So I am going to be honest, and I warn you it does not shine the best light on me. I think you will find my current state interesting and a different perspective; one I definitely never saw coming.

Impassion: My best semester in college was my internship. I was so passionate about teaching and my students. I dedicated all my time. I love it. Even when I did my practicum teaching in my training village I felt like I was on fire, I love every minute of it. When I first arrived at my site I was so excited to teach and bring new ideas and methods to the school. I was so excited to see the students each day. Since term two rolled around I feel like I just go through the motions every day. I still put in as much work as I did before however I think you could notice the decrease in my enthusiasm. I don’t want to do anything else that may be different because the next thing will be “what else can you do”.

Unappreciated: Now this culture is amazing and I receive more respect than imaginable. I don’t blame the people on why I feel this way. It’s part of their culture and a difference between ours and theirs. I guess this is part of a fear I had before coming here; the whole I would never be able to give the people enough. I feel that way but only because I am always asked for more. I would be okay if I was asked for help on lesson plans and teaching methods. But at times it’s “more things” that are wanted and are not realistic in the situation. I am finding out a lot of what I am capable of, but my main goal is to get the teachers to realize what they are capable of. I want people to want to do instead of me just doing.

            Unhappiness: This is something I have been working on and almost overcome. I knew I would be struggling and unhappy at times, but again not for the reasons I thought. Mainly I am unhappy for feeling the two things above. I hate that I feel that way. I also think that it stems from giving up yourself when you come here. When you arrive the village you want to be the perfect Peace Corps. You give up lots of parts of yourself to be culturally appropriate. There is a fine line though, can’t forget who you are.

Burnt Out: This is a correlation of all the words above. It’s just discouraging considering I am only 9 months in.

            As a volunteer we have specific goals. No volunteer is in their site to find a way to get a bunch of money. Ultimately we work with counterparts and an organization and teach those ways to receive aid, set realistic goals, and run a successful and effective program. We need the groups of people we work with to be sustainable on their own once we leave. It’s a tough battle especially when the people you work with may have different ideas, goals and priorities. For example; I think desks for student might be more important than VIP toilets.

What feeling does almost every Peace Corps dread the most?

            Wanting to go home

How do I cope with this?

Focus. I went back and rewrote my goals for my term here. You have to take the pressure of yourself. Big or small; a change is a change. I am finding my way back to a balance. I do things that I need for me. This experience is such a selfless sacrifice but you are useless if you’re unhappy. Remember the past and planning for the future can be exhausting. You can’t compare this time to what was and what will be. You will only find yourself in a situation of missing and wanting.

Even though I have been feeling like I want to go home I know it’s not a option for me. Everything I have been going through is all part of the journey. I knew that I was signing up for a two year commitment. But I get it; I see the reason why so many people go back.

So here it is… my biggest fear. When all is said and done…

Did I give up my happiness to stay instead of giving up my pride to go home?

Peace and Love